Today's MRI Experience

 I had my brain scan today to check that new brain tumor that Dr. Jackson found.

Okay, I have had many MRIs. I do all right although I do get claustrophobic. Craig always comes with me and keeps his hand on my ankle so I have human contact. I don't like the tight tube, but the loud noise doesn't bother me at all. And, as long as I can peek out and see the room, I'm good.

So, when the nurse told me they had a new, bigger MRI machine today, I didn't think anything of it. While not an open MRI machine, it was bigger than others I have been in. I was able to lie down and move my arms around, something past MRI machines have been too narrow for. That felt good.

I lay there thinking it wouldn't be too bad, although the skull-holder my head lay in was new. And then the nurse approached, put a barred mask over my face, and BOLTED ME TO THE TABLE WITH IT.

panicpanicpanicpanicpanic!! 

I asked her if we could do the scan without the bolts being attached. Nope. Had to be bolted. I had never had a mask, and I had never been bolted to the table before.

I could see out through the bars on it, but the idea that I was now bolted down and helpless should there be an emergency, and I was terrified. Something about being held down by the head, with your body thrashing and flopping around in a frantic effort to get free...

At this point I was wishing I had taken that Valium my doctor gave me, just in case I needed it.

And then Craig lifted his hand off my ankle and I thought I would lose it again! I called out to him (I am sure he heard the panic in my voice) and he grabbed onto me again and did not let go.

Even worse, when the machine started sliding me into the tube.... the bars on the mask blocked my view! I could no longer see the real world; all I could see was the roof of the tube. Seeing the real world down by my toes has always stemmed my feelings of claustrophobia. Now, just plain white tube was all I could see.

Since I could move my arms more freely in this machine, I actually grabbed onto the outside edges of the tube as I went in. (Perhaps subconsciously I was trying to keep from going all the way in.) Craig alternated between holding my ankle and holding my hand; without him, I would not have made it through.

An hour later we were done. The tube did slide out briefly so they could inject the contrast dye, but the nurse would not release the bolts on the mask so I could sit up, catch my breath, etc. I get it - they don't want my head to move at all, but never, ever have I been bolted down like that and frankly, it upset me a LOT.

I have felt pretty shaky the rest of the day. I have also had a massive headache, maybe from the contrast dye, maybe from the stress and anxiety.

Next time I will take that Valium.